Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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