Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
