She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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