Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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