life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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