My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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