Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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