Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
