dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
