Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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