I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
