I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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