I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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