Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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