You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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