I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
