This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
