Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
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