the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
