did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
