omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
