i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
