i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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