He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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