I just cut my nipple shaving
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
