She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i think i just lost a toe
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
