I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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