How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
