The maid of honor just puked.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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