..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Houston, we have a blender
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
