And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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