She said her name was "party"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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