I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize