I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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