I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
