but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
