come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
