dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
