I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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