laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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