omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
