I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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