Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
