My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
