i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
