I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
