Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
