I haven't been this sober since birth.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
