Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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