From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
