I wish my penis had an off switch
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.