2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY