tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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