Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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