my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
