i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
