do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
