so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
