I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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