she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
