I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
