I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
3 2 1 whiskey
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