is your mom at the bar?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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