Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
