We won't sleep together?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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